If you want to know why you do the things you do, you might look to your zodiac sign. For intel about your social tendencies, maybe your Myers-Briggs personality. But for understanding what makes you feel special in a relationship? Well, that's one for love languages.
If you've read up on anything related to relationships and romance, like, ever, there's a good chance you've come across Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages at some point in your research (or, okay, at girls night).
A quick rundown: Chapman argues that there are five general ways that people may give or receive love, a.k.a. the five love languages. These languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts. If compliments make you melt, your love language is probably words of affirmation. If you thrive on the thoughtfulness behind a present, receiving/giving gifts is most likely yours. Look forward to dinners for two all weeklong? That's quality time. And if you're all about holding hands or you feel most connected during sex, you probably speak the language of physical touch.
The language that tends to get a bad rap (aside from receiving gifts, which isn't about materialism, btw), however, is acts of service. It describes people whose hearts swell at the thought of coming home to dinner on the table with the promise of an empty sink or a foot rub for dessert. If this sounds like you, you feel most loved when people do things for you, not just with you or to you.
But here's the thing: The acts of service love language doesn't make you a high-maintenance or lazy nag. All it means is that, for you, actions truly speak louder than words.
At its core, this language is about demonstrations of love.
Since saying "I love you" doesn't actually guarantee that the speaker means it, some people respond better to seeing someone show their feelings, says Beverly Palmer, PhD, a clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified.
That's not to say you have trust issues (though it's possible), or that you're overly dependent (or codependent) on other people. In fact, you're most likely super self-sufficient and ambitious.
That's exactly what makes you respond to this language: If someone can recognize all that you do on your own and wants to step in to help make your life a little easier, that, to you, is real love. It's actually less about the deed itself and more about your S.O. showing you that they're on your team.
All the different love languages basically explain how you prefer your partner to show their love for you and vice versa. So through doing acts of service, your partner is showing you that they care about you, they appreciate you, and they want to connect with you, says Jennifer Seip, LMFT, a couples and sex therapist based in Philadelphia and the founder of Be Well Therapy Group.
For example, if your partner goes out of their way to pick your sister up from the airport, or calls the realtor so you don't have to, you hear "I care about you enough to sacrifice my own time for your benefit." And that's not something you find every day.
If you feel most loved and cared for when your S.O. takes on a task so you have one less thing on your plate, then there’s a good chance that acts of service is your love language.
Another way to figure out your love language is by paying attention to how you show love to others. You can actually suss out someone’s love language by looking at what they do for you, explains Seip. If you notice that your partner often picks up the trash or refills your water glass when they see it’s empty, that could be their way of showing you that they feel most cared for when people do little things like that for them, and they would like you to reciprocate those small, but meaningful, actions.
Another way to tell if acts of service is your love language is by thinking back to how your parents showed you love as a child. Often, your love language translates to what your major attachment figures did for you, says Seip. For example, if your parents would always have your favorite breakfast ready for you in the morning or would fold your laundry for you so you didn’t have to, you might have learned to show love through acts of service, which, in turn, became your love language.
If you or your S.O.'s love language is acts of service, here are a few examples of ways to show your love, according to experts:
You've established that your love language is acts of service, and now, you want to know which of the five love languages you’re most compatible with. Well, no surprise here: Acts of service is compatible with acts of service (obvi).
But another love language that is compatible with acts of service is gifts—giving or receiving. Gift-giving is similar to acts of service in its thoughtfulness. With both gifts and acts of service, you have to really think about what the other person might like or what they might want you to do or get for them, says Seip.
And although it’s often believed that people can only have one love language, most actually have one or two main ones, says Seip. Think of the five love languages as existing on a spectrum. Acts of service might be your primary love language, but you may also like to give or receive love through another language, like quality time.
"The love languages are great because they are essentially guides for how to become close with a partner," explains Seip. As guides, they’re a great foundation for connecting with an S.O., but they also offer some wiggle room for showing love in other ways if you and your partner aren’t exactly "compatible."
Okay, brace yourself: The acts of service love language can be a little problematic if you're not super self-aware.
While every relationship should be about balance, where both partners get their needs equally met, having this particular love language could make you more susceptible to letting expectations get in the way of an otherwise happy and healthy situation. In other words, if you think your partner should be doing X or Y for you, rather than letting them choose how to show their support, you could self-sabotage your bond.
"Unbalanced relationships where one person expects too much and thinks their partner must meet those expectations to prove that they love them" is when things get tricky, Palmer says. No one wants a relationship that comes with a list of chores.
Think about it: At work, you'd be put off by a new employee who feels like they're entitled to certain things before they've even shown their commitment to the company. Similarly, your partner should feel like their demonstrations of love are reciprocated and their choice, at their will—not your demand.
Watch this to learn more about the five love languages:
Communication, communication, oh, and um, some more communication.
When acts of service are involved, there’s no room for assumptions, says Palmer. Assuming your S.O. knows which acts of service you value most and expecting them to perform them at all is a surefire way to make your partner feel taken advantage of.
So here's how to be straightforward without demanding anything in return:
Do
Don’t
Similarly to how you would make the relationship work if this were your love language, here are some tips if it’s your S.O.’s language:
Do
Don’t
You should never feel obligated to do an act of service for your partner. Again, acts of service are your way of showing them love; they still need to keep up with their own responsibilities and not dump their workload onto you.
Short answer: No.
Yes, there’s a chance they "speak" a different love language than you (they might need touch or feel extra special when you tell them how impressed you are by their brain), so do what you can to suss out their love language. Straight-up talk about it (Palmer promises the convo won’t be awkward as long as you keep things positive), or tune in to what makes them light up day-to-day.
Once you figure it out, keep that info top of mind and create opportunities to speak their language (surprise them with a massage, bring home their favorite cookie. you get the idea).
Also, remember that you can have more than one love language, so just because their primary love language isn’t the same as yours, that doesn’t mean you don't share another one in which you both like to receive and give love.
Bottom line: Love languages aren’t the most important part of maintaining a relationship. (Sorry, not sorry.) When it comes to keeping a partnership together, there are more necessary elements of note other than the love languages, such as receiving your partner openly and compassionately and making space for their emotions and needs, Seip affirms. "You don’t always have to have the same things in common to make the relationship work, you just have to be willing to make a safe space for them and vice versa," she adds.
And that's an act of service always worth doing.
Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She's a Boston College graduate and lives in New York.
Assistant EditorNaydeline Mejia is an assistant editor at Women’s Health, where she covers sex, relationships, and lifestyle for WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She is a proud graduate of Baruch College and has more than two years of experience writing and editing lifestyle content. When she’s not writing, you can find her thrift-shopping, binge-watching whatever reality dating show is trending at the moment, and spending countless hours scrolling through Pinterest.
